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| When I read these entries, I think of me writing them. I was so woven into the topics and all of the connections were apparent. Now that I am distanced, it can sometimes be a struggle to understand what I meant but value them because they made sense in the moment and that was a moment when I was closest to what felt like truth. |
Like when I examine code that I wrote, months ago. It works and functions adequately. But interrogating each part, I find myself but also a different person. I have to put myself back into that state of understanding the flow and my reasoning. But since it works, I have some degree of proof that I was close to the truth. It is validation.
So many of my codes are slipping away from me. So many projects are slipping away from me. All slipping away from me. In the past I felt this urge, closest I can say is a hug. I want to embrace all the things and keep them close so that I can understand them.
So I also wonder if I should just let go.
I realize the problem with my writing, if it can be a considered a problem. When I send a message it isn’t a one off, general, something that is carefree. I’ve sculpted and been over the text with edits, a thousand times. To the extent that if I return to it later in the day, it doesn’t even seem like I’ve written it. I have to consciously slow myself down, and unwrap it. And find nothing of worth.
NOTE
You have an idea of a thought or concept. You write it down hastily, so you have this fuzzy record of it. It’s not fully grammatical. Then when you have time you look at it again and give it shape so you can communicate it. But when structuring it like that, it loses the expressive quality of “fragment”. Almost like you’re bumping against the rules of language and the looseness of the broken fragment makes more emotional sense, like how a sketch might give the shape of a tree and also convey some emotional state in that looseness. That can also make it harder to share it.
It’s like the idea only has life in that flow. I’ve had this where I encounter a sequence of ideas that makes the conclusion feel more like an “epiphany” but all that is left to convey is the destination and it feels deflated.