created, $=dv.current().file.ctime & modified, =this.modified
I was so ran ragged from the day, craving the escape the weekend would provide (a museum, a walk, a chat).
There was a moment of peace on the commute where I could reflect on the day, and I realized that I had spent so much of the day completely disoriented. This might not be the correct word, but I will leave it because there’s a sense that it works, in my estrangement from understanding.
What I mean is that almost unbeknownst to me, I spent the day constantly searching and hurting. With the book I was reading to start the day, I struggled to make sense of what I read. In work tasks, I was over my head with what was presented to me, trying to understand concepts within a short span of time and produce results. I hungered, and briefly set that aside to dinner. My computer HDD had less than a gig remaining. A phantom pain poked in my chest when I raced up the stairs. Towards the end of the day I had lost some will to play music when home, when I had actually wanted to (and even this act would have come with some degree of disorientation and uncertainty.)
I feel even in my most practiced crafts, I am barely, if at all, touching a core understanding.
I’m not saying I do not like this disorientation. I do.
But what I wanted out of this day, was a modicum of comfort and understanding. To halt caring on certain things. Lose myself in a song, or smile. It was supremely important.